Love is such a wonder... aesthetic... almost anything and everything (I'm being conservative here)... Love gives u so much uncertainty and doubt, yet it provides u safety and fulfill ur need of belongingness...
Amazingly amazing... The power of ~LOVE~
At one time, I thought I had lost it. I thought our time has ended. I thought I'd never find it back. I thought that's how far we were fated. I thought and I thought so many negative thoughts... But... U held on more than anything in the world. U gave me assurance again and again. U brought me back to the right path when I deviated. U were always around to motivate me, to reinstall hope in me that there's more. If there were anything at all, it was just a sudden pause. We'd be able to move right back on track. Time was all we needed...
Thanks to U, I've managed to find the love that I lost back and I'm able to fill in the empty hole.
I'm very glad that I did cos I'm proud to say that I'm drowning in the midst of love now.
Looking forward to seeing U again, hold U, hug U tight in my arms, kiss U...
It's weird how much love can impact us, or should I say how much the person that u love can impact u. U have impacted me a lot in a lot of ways. Thank U for choosing me. U won't regret it - a personal promise that I'm making to U.
Loving U always...
From the time I started setting my goal, I have only managed to achieve by a little bit less than half. I have not been able to proceed towards my goal which shouldn't be the case. Lacking of self control. Lacking of the ability to delay gratification. Where is my self regulation? I have failed in this...
As I'm typing, I'm experiencing the failure. Very much disappointed & angry with myself.... I know in every part of me, I could always have done better. I know I am capable of reaching my goal but... I succumbed to my own desire instead. My "id" has taken over once again while my "superego" is now taking over me with guilt and resentment. Where is my "ego" when I need it?
I have got to keep my head straight if I wanna reach this goal of mine. No more excuses. No more "Nah, it's ok. Just this once." No more!!! Have to be more strict with myself. I know I can do better & I will! I must... recover my source of self-esteem...
Short term goal for this week - 2 - If not, I will take further measures of punishing myself. A promise to myself...
Some time ago (in the mth of September), I attended a hypnotism seminar/show & it was indeed an eye opener. The experience was fun, exciting and yet scary. Imagine to have someone that capable of manipulating others with such persuasive ability. However, not everyone can be hypnotized. It's all in the mind. If you allow yourself to be vulnarable enough to be controlled, then you'll be one of the first to doze off. It's an imaginary world. According to the hypnotist, those who are hypnotized are actually conscious and aware of their surrounding but they just don't bother to wake up because they're too comfy in their imaginary world. They rarely remember what they did during the process.
It was interesting to watch. I was afraid that I could be hypnotized below stage that I had to keep myself aware n awake all the time. The hypnotizer started out by recruiting volunteers upstage - about 12-15 students went up n sat on the chairs arranged in a semicircular form. Then there was this blinking white light in the middle facing the volunteers. The hypnotizer started talking, telling the students to imagine themselves in a relaxing and comfortable situation. Let their guards down. Relaxed was the key word. Slowly (about 5 minutes), one by one, the students starting dozing off. Some were limp-ish that they couldn't even sit straight. It was obvious that 1 or 2 were still quite consious, not entirely allowing themselves to be hypnotized. The hypnotizer 'woke' the un-hypnotized and went down stage to recruit those who were hypnotized unknowingly down stage. It was funny and amazing that there were quite a number of people who were hypnotized down stage even without the blinking lights n proper atmosphere. There was this guy near to us and he was hell hypnotized cos he was doing wateva the people on stage were doing. The hypnotizer had them clasp their hands together n hold them tight, as if the hands were glued n there was no way to separate them. N this guy did exactly as what he was told...
The hypnotizer did a number of things. He just had to count 1,2,3 n pat them n they'd be snoring like pigs. Immediate dozing.... I was extremely awed! He told the hypnotized students to imagine that they were in a cold place n they were all shivering like mad. He told them to imagine themselves sunbathing which of cos they did. They even imagined an ice-cream at hand. One was licking his hands cos of the imaginary melting ice-cream. They were asked the flavors of the ice-cream n 1 guy said "beer"!!! hahahaha... They did many things. E.g. imagine the crowd naked, imagine themselves naked (1 guy din bother about the fact that he was naked on stage n just sat on his chair with the 'don care' look while others tried their best to hide). They imagined they had pet birds - 1 girl had a pet turkey hahahaha... n the hypnotizer made them imagine that the pet bird was crawling into their clothes n it was uncomfortable that they had to try everyway to remove the 'pet'. Some girls were on the verge of taking off their clothes already.
Extra funny scenes.
1 girl was hypnotized n was told that she will not know the existence of the number '7'. So, wheneva she counts, number 7 will never appear in her head. So, she was tested, counting her fingers n she did skip 7, going from 6 to 8. She ended up having 11 fingers. That was hillarious! Even after she was seated, she kept looking at her fingers n toes, counting again n again, not understanding y she had 11 fingers n toes. At 1 point she hid 1 of her fingers n managed to have 10 fingers. Hahahha...
1 guy was told that he would realize himself wearing his shirt inside out wheneva the word 'car key' was said. Wheneva the hypnotizer mentioned car keys, the guy would look awkward n rather embarrassed n he would ultimately change his shirt inside out, doesn't matter whether the shirt was inside out in the 1st place. He did it repeatedly thanks for the hypnotizer. Hahaha...
1 girl was told that she will not remember her name but she will remember the names of everyone else that she knows. When the hypnotizer asked her name, she looked completely blur n had no idea what her name was. When asked wat was 1 of her friend's names, she said right away but not her own name though. Funny expression...
1 guy was told that he was a big fat liar, trying to convince every1 that he was a celebrity. N wheneva he lied, his underwear would get tighter. When he was asked who he was, the guy said "Bill Clinton" Hahaha... n he started twisting n turning on his chair, unable to sit right thanks to his tightened underwear. The hypnotizer asked for his pics n autograph n the guy agreed, which added to the uncomfortableness of the tight underwear. The guy actually said that he did not have sex with Monica (I think thats what he said) Hahaha... Just so funny to see him moving about n fidgeting on his chair. Can't just sit right....
There were other funny stuffs like a few guys were told to imagine themselves as ballerinas which they did dance ballet in a horrifying manner. Hahaha.. 2 girls were told that they were seat belts n wheneva the word safety was said, they would fling themselves to people next to them (as many as possible, right on their lap) to keep them safe. Well, they are safety belts after all. Hahaha... Wat else? Oh ya, they were told to imagine themselves at an MTV dance competition n only that few guys could come down stage to earn extra points to win that competition n get paid as well, if the audience as willing to. The extent that they go to with their dances just to win... My... N another 1 was a guy who was told to imagine he was in elementary school n he brought his pet monkey to school, shouting out "who wants to pet my monkey" wheneva the word BSU is said. After shouting that line, the guy would feel that he's no more an elementary student n that he would feel embarrassed for doing wateva he did... Haha...
The whole show was comedic because the hypnotizer was comedic. COme to think about it, it made me wonder - to trust my eyes or to trust reason. How true is the power of hypnotism? If it is genuine, how much of power that it exerts? Although i saw hypnotism with my own bare eyes, i could still hardly convince myself that everything was true... Empiricism (experience/senses) vs rationalism (reason/facts)? What do you think?
I'm back from Devil's Lake State Park, Wisconsin. The trip was fun although I didn't get to climb as much as I anticipated. It was my first rock climbing experience. My, were the rocks slippery... & I broke my record! Of wat? Of NOT BATHING FOR 3 DAYS!!! I usually bathe twice a day but having not to bathe for that long of time, this was my first time. We had no choice cos they locked the bathing toilet. THe only toilet which was open was the 'natural' one where they had toilet seats but we can't flush. THe holes go down straight to the soil/ land. Rily yucky n disgusting...
We left BSU at 5pm and drove about 4 hours till we reached one of our leader's dad's home. We stayed in their cozy basement. That was our first "camping" night. Hahaha... Had skones, brownies, cookies etc. Quite a hearty meal i would say. Skones are rather interesting. THey look like big chunks of cookies n are soft. Heat them up in the microwave n they're just plain delicious... EVen without the microwave, they're ready to go...
Continued our journey the next morning for another 4 hours. Reached Devil's lake state park about 2.30pm. Was glad that the weather was dry. No showers. No snow. We immediately set out for hiking n climbing after we parked the van at our campsite. Climbing up the rock stairs was not an easy task, at least not for me. Was panting up the stairs n the rocks were very very slippery. Plus, my shoes didn't have all that much of a grip. Finally found a spot to rock climb/ mountain climb. Wateva it's called... Waited for the experts to hook up the lines while we put on our harness n climbing shoes. THere were 2 routes. Yi climbed first. Then me, then Fang. We didn't try the other route cos the day was getting darker n we were running out of time. Climbing 1 route usually takes about 20-30 minutes, depending on how quick the person climbs. Went back to our campsite. Set up our tents. Realized the unfortunate toilet thingey. Had a nice dinner. Dunno wat they called it. It had egg noodles with cream of mushroom, sour cream, meat etc. Pasta lookalike. We just rinsed our utensils with boiled hot water. I guess this is genuine camping. No lights, no water, no ntg. All by ourselves out in the dark. It was darn cold as hell. Below 0 celcius? about -4 or -5. We built a campfire, cozy n warm. Slept about 9.30pm. Smell burnt thanks to the fire. WE had to cram 4 people in 1 tent. Abit squishy but we made it. Wrapped ourselves in the winter bags. Woke up quite a few times through out the night. Uncomfortable... Back ached...
Day 2. Ate breakfast n set out for our climbing near the lake. Saw boy scouts n many others. More people during the weekends... FOund a spot. Hooked the lines n started climbing. Tough but fun climbing. Wish I had climbed the 2nd route cos that looks more interesting that the 1st that I tried. Anyway, my hand was running out of energy. Haha... A whole 2 hours ++ of climbing. Ate lunch n continued hiking. It was hard to find a spot for climbing cos there were too many people. Finally found 1 which was far back. Climbed the 1st route. Stuck midway cos the rocks were slippery to continue. Hardly found any hand grip. 3 of us got stuck at the same spot. Only our leader managed to climb till the top. Tried the 2nd route. Couldn't even get pass the first part. Not much hand grip. Limited leg space. Sigh... Tried 3 times n slipped/ swinged 3 times. Had to give up in the end. We were running out of time again, as usual. Back to the campsite. Ate stir fry n rice for dinner. Surrounded the campfire again. Slept about 9++ again.
Woke up the next day, ready to pack n leave. 8 hours journey back to Bemidji. Only stopped about 2-3 times for gas n toilet. Ate frozen custard on the way. Delicious.. Yum Yum! Tiring journey having to sit in the van n ntg else to do besides sleeping. Reached home about 7pm. First thing to do on the list - BATHE! We had to take turns. I was the last to bathe. Cleaned up my room first. Washed my clothes, wateva there was to wash. Haha...
THe trip was fun. I enjoyed myself despite the 'pek chek' ness. I'm kinda in love with climbing now. Don consider myself addicted yet but I may if i continue to climb, may be at the rec center. Intend to climb when i get back to Malaysia. SHould be a fun expereince... hehe...
I'm gonna go rock climbing at Devil's Lake in Wisconsin from tmr till Sunday. Looking forward to the trip, esp when i'm not an outdoor person n i haven't experienced it before. Will blog about it when i come back. Will also blog about my first hypnotism experience. Not that i was hyponotized. I watched the hypnotism show/seminar. It was really cool n superb yet scary. Imagine being able to manipulate to such extent. N guess wat? Hypnotism is a branch of psychology by itself... Such irony... Will also blog about my mooncake festival celebration here in Bemidji. We had darn expensive mooncakes all the way from the cities (Minneapolis)....
Till then... Toodaloo!
I'm taking dance classes as my elective this sem & some of the dances that i've learned are waltz, foxtrot, tango, including Argentinian tango, swing, salsa n the latest - rhumba & cha cha. Well, it may sound a lot but what i've learnt are just the basics. Ntg much. Max, maybe a turn or two, that's all. N these r all partner dancing. I usually don get to practice my 'follower aka girl' steps at home cos I have to be the leader aka guy at home to practice n dance with my housemates. It's during class when i get to dance as a follower. Because this is a 'relaxing' physical ed class, i suppose the teachers (a pair of husband n wife) aren't strict with us. They focus more on having fun instead of skills, perfromance etc. I guess it's just the expectation and standards difference that we have. Bear in mind that this is a basic's class & not everyone has the same pace. So, i am the 1 who should adjust n not judge the class based on my expectations. I was kinda hoping for more...
It was compulsory for us to attend dance parties organized by the teachers. So, we went last Saturday. To me, it was a disappointment. Why? To begin with, I was frustrated with the proper attire. The theme was balck n white n it wasn't a jeans occassion. Not that it's hard to find such colors or clothing, i just somehow couldn't find suitable ones. I wore my white summer dress in the end which I wasn't satisfied with. It was cold n skirts wasn't rily in my initial plan. Plus, i just feel 'huge/fat' from waist up wearing that dress. Sigh... Anyway, what made me disappointed was that the party lacked of guys, or should i say lacked of ppl that I know. We were sitting with our Asian bunch n most of the people came with their bunch or their partner. Maybe it was our fault fo r not being able to blend n huha around. Through out the night, I only danced with 1 genuine guy while the rest of the time i danced as the guy with my other girl friends. Anothr thing was that the steps that we knew were very very very extremely limited - all were just plain basics. There weren't much variation. With the accumulative reason, it kinda led on to boredom. Quite a frustrating n unsatisfying night, I would say esp when I'm a dancing person n i was kinda looking forward to having fun but it didn't turn out the way I expected it to be. I have to attend another dance party. I'm gonna do research on more dance steps so that we don stick to basics n repeat the whole boring cycle...
Previously, I took latin classes & I quit when I came to US. I feel like continuing my latin dance. N now, i even wanna learn tango, esp Argentina tango (rily captivating) n swing (challenging). Call me crazy, but i'm all over partner dancing now. So, if my bf (ahem, u know who, hehe) read this, pls keep urself prepared, physical n mentally cos if ur uncomfortable with my interest, u gotta 'sacrifice' urself n learn the dance to be my partner. Hahaha...
