~Heavy heavy day~ Alone versus Lonely~

Got up early in the morning just to be bombarded by unexpected emotional turmoil...

From the start itself, I know we were putting in extra effort. It wasn't asked of us but we insisted on doing it, never expecting a "Thank you" or any other words of appreciation (at least I did it with total consent of the lack of support).

Personally, I know I didn't put in as much as effort as she did. All I did was just choosing and scanning the pictures, at most cropped here and there a bit. But she put in much more effort than necessary and I really give her the credit for having to put in so much time and dedication to the utmost outcome of the whole project. I was amazed by the progress that she managed to make in the past 2-3 days. I wouldn't have been able to produce such results, if I were in her position. I don't dare to take in the credit for what she has done. It's all hers and hers alone.

And now, having coming to the wrapping of the project, we're faced with obstacles, huge ones and these are none other than "people". It wasn't the material resources that we lack; it's the people that we have trouble connecting with. At times, I wished that they weren't so wrapped up in their own world that they turn oblivious to others around them. The project wasn't about them per say in the first place. It was done for the benefit of others too, a memorabilia of the bits and pieces through out the years that they're endured together. All we needed was for them to speak a few words or two, words of encouragement to their fellow colleagues but I suppose they placed far more importance in their ego above everything else. I was disappointed having been turned down once but I got more disappointed when I got smacked the rejection for the second time; whatmore from a person whom I'm closer to. The hurt runs deeper when closer bonds come into the picture. I was drowning in my misery at being given such a negative reaction that I just poured my tears out to the extent that I was struggling for breath. That was how hurt I was! I had the impulse to just vent out, letting that person know that I do not wish to be embroiled in the midst of all the conflict that he was involved in with whoever. I had no part to play in that. All I asked for a short, simple request and all I got was a painful thrust into my heart. Well, it wasn't as serious as I described. He didn't do much but the words to me, were closer to heart and therefore, more hurtful, that's all... I later got an apology call and that brought more tears because I know it wasn't an easy gesture for him. A simple "sorry" was not a simple task for him to say, especially to me. I appreciated that. I then replied him a thank you and letting him know that I was partially at fault for not asking his opinion of the matter (he gave a 2nd call and told me about his frustration of which I didn't know how to respond because I was chocked by tears)...

Having put this aside, I wanted comfort and so I called the person so dear to me to hear a word or two from him, or at least to listen to his voice and I ended having to apologize for disrupting his busy morning. I knew that he was hell busy but it wasn't a call meant to disturb. All I wanted was comfort, that's all..... But no, it just added to my emotional turmoil....

I then came to the realization that no matter how people around me are always there for me, I am nonetheless in a journey all by myself, without anyone to turn to for comfort in moments of need. Such hipocracy in what I preach and yet unable to live up to. Therefore, the question: Am I alone or am I lonely?

An emotional roller-coaster ride indeed....

A whole lot of disappointments in one heck-of-a short morning...

From Year 2009, June to Year 2010, February

It's amazing how I've managed to procrastinate and only update my long-forgotten blog now. I suppose I've gotten to the point where I need to vent something out somewhere and I've decided to come back to my lonely place of solitude. In a way, I'm glad that not many visit my page; or maybe even none now, which makes it even better for me, especially now...

Summarizing a little bit of year 2009, there were many a things that happened, including my beginning of practice during practicum which was all over the place. I hardly knew what to do when I was thrown deep into the pit and was expected to "help" people, instead of drown them along in my almost-untrained-skills. However, I was able to survive the ordeal and have since been practising as I'm doing my internship now. Truthfully, I don't think I've gone a milestone with what I'm doing now. It feels like I haven't done any serious counseling ever since it started; or maybe I have without my realization but I have not conceptualized any case so far. Hmm... Come to think about it, I believe I could have done so with some of my cases and I missed the opportunity. I am currently serving my internship stint in Hospice Klang. It's an NGO which caters to advanced cancer patients, mainly in the provision of pain-management. I'm sort-of their "guinea pig" of beginning the branch of emotional support for patients and family members. It is sesiously not an easy task. I hear referrals almost every single day and death news almost every week. Patients that I've bonded with left very abruptly, way before the time of their expected demise. Well, I suppose that's part and parcel of life - nothing is as predictable as it seems. I did learn a whole lot of medicinal knowledge, apart from brushing my counseling skills. I know the names of medicine and their functions and I also know how to measure BP now! Yay! The doctor and nurse actually seriously recommended me to take up medicine as they see potential in me being a good doctor. Haha... I appreciate their thoughtfulness and it will be a thought at the back of my head for a long long time but I suppose an ideal that I will not fulfil...

I really left out quite a whole chunk of 2009, didn't I? Was just thinking about my long long holiday with Hc. Should've looked at the dates and calculated that "feng shui" before we decided on the holiday. It didn't go as smooth as planned. I fell sick in Singapore and our hotel was way far from the mrt station. Then I was down with ulcers and was complaining all the way, so much so that I could hardly savor anything down my throat in Club Med!!! Then when I got better, Hc was down with food-poisoning in Redang. What a trip!

My birthday and Christmas was quiet as Hc was all the way in Teluk Intan. It's ok. It was part of the deal. Let's hope my "investment" pays back in the end. Haha... It doesn't sound very nice is it when I use the word investment. Well then, let's hope my commitment and devotion is reciprocated...

I had the biggest present from Hc when he got me something really expensive (which covers my birthday, Christmas, our 7th anniversary and Valentine's day). No, it's not an engagement ring. Haha... It's a piece of elecronic item which to me, is very costly though it may not to others. I really appreciate his thoughtfulness. I suppose my feelings are reciprocated after all (not that I'm measuring it with material value haha...).

Crossing my fingers for a smooth sailing year ahead!